All 4 generations, 60 plus people altogether, gathered and sat down by her armchair. All eyes were fixed on her face, anxiously scanning, waiting, looking, praying for a trace of hope. As I reached forward to take my last Red Packet from her, regret and sadness overwhelmed. Lots of "Why didn't I..." came into my mind. With what seemed to be all her strength, she lifted her heavy eyelids open a fraction, nodded her head slightly in acknowledgment before her body succumbed to extreme fatigue and drooped back into that slouchy position again.

As they lifted her, as gently as they could, off the armchair onto the bed, she groaned softly. Every movement hurt her. As we took turns to hold her hands, she would murmur some inaudible words. With every passing second, her face would cringe even more as the painkiller wore off. Cancerous cells were spreading fast and causing her pain and numbness in her entire body. We looked on as we saw life slowly draining out of her. Her breathing became uneven, eventually the pause between each breath lengthen. We weren't allowed to cry in front of her. Why make her more afraid then she already was?

She passed out from pain. I wonder what she was thinking when she took her last breath. I wonder if her life flashed in front of her eyes. I wonder if she regretted anything. I wonder if she was afraid... Because I was.

This Chinese New Year is so different.


Rest in Peace, Grandma.